NPC Match 39 - Southampton 2 Doncaster 0

What the hell is that...

Doncaster Rovers come to SMS on the back of a strange sequence of results in which they drew at West Ham and drew with Reading before limply losing to Derby and Millwall in games they were expected to pick up points in.  So, they’ve done Saints favours and then not done themselves any favours.  Losing to teams you should beat is of course where Saints were when we went to Donny earlier in the season and got beat 1-0, courtesy of a goal by Billy Sharp which should now of course be classed as an own goal.

Predictably, it’s all about Billy in the build up to this game with both Donny manager Dean Saunders and surprisingly, Nigel Adkins specifically talking about our £1.8 million signing who has only started 2 games  for us so far.  Fate appears to be conspiring for him to start against his former club with injuries having befallen all of Tadanari Lee, David Connolly and Guly.  There is no truth in the rumour that Billy was responsible for kicking all three of them. 

On a serious note, Billy has also been in the media, bravely talking about the tragic death of his two day old son, in order to publicize the foundation set up in his sons name for research into Gastroschisis.  For more information please visit http://www.ljsfoundation.org.uk/

As explained in the blog for the away game, Doncaster are of course, Willie McKay Rovers with the agent supplying them with a steady stream of Premiership players who can’t get a game at the club that pays them.  Willie replaced Billy Sharp with ex-Skate Frederic Piquionne who has already played at SMS once this season with West Ham when he was played out on the left wing in a Fat Sam Tactical Masterstroke when needless to say, he was shite.  He’s a decent centre forward though and partnering him will be El Hadji Diouf whose character may be questionable (to put it politely) but his ability is not.  When Sir Rickie won the Championship Player of the Year Award, Diouf got a special award for completing the full set and having spat at someone on all 92 league grounds.

In other news we’ve had another transfer window close, not the proper one which ends in January but the emergency loan one which opened up two weeks afterwards.  This means that you could only sign players for the duration of January and then had to wait a whole two weeks before signing any more.  Now clubs have to go a whole 8 or 9 games with the same squads – how will they cope?  Define ‘Emergency’ for me please – to me, an emergency is when you haven’t got a goalkeeper or you haven’t got 10 outfield players and that’s about it.

So, the “I need a new striker because all my current ones are shite” argument is not one that should wash but it appears that it does in this world where you can be one month late with your accounts and get banned from bringing in any players but you can bring some in if you’re £50 million in debt and in administration.  You’ve probably worked out where I’m going with this one.   A Skates emergency is to sign an additional striker because you have Dave Kitson, who is paid £20k a week but you don’t want him to play because he gets booed by the crowd.  It’s an emergency because he may get offended, like he did when he stated that people who make jokes at the expense of ginger haired people were racist. 

Whilst I’m ranting, I’m gonna repeat a rant at the loan system in general and ask how is it not distorting the competition when you loan to/from clubs in the same division as you.  This shouldn’t be allowed, nor should loan players be allowed to play in Cup competitions.

The most unsurprising news of all is that Billy Sharp does indeed start for Saints with Steve de Ridder given an opportunity to impress in the SFC position of death, known as the right hand side of midfield.  There’s also a straight swap at right back with Danny Butterfield starting in place of Frazer who one assumes, has a bit of a knock.   Donny meanwhile, line up with a team full of players with Premiership experience and Simon Gillet who had a few decent games for us but is so small that opposition players could take the phrase ‘had him in your pocket’ literally.  I’m watching Donny warm up and wonder who the guy is with the ridiculous plant on his head – turns out that it’s Pascal Chimbonda who I always thought was a twat and now he’s a twat with a plant on his head.  No discussion of hairstyles would be complete without El Hadji Diouf, sporting the ‘inverted arse’ hairstyle, captain today and the player who symbolises this whole Willie McKay tie-in… it’s all a bit nasty.  Of course, it wouldn’t be a Saints game without the opposition having Fat Sam reject players in their ranks as both Piquionne and Ilunga have been banished from the Fat Sam Total Football Academy for not being able to smash it 70 yards up to John Carew.

The first knockings of the game see the contrast between two players on the wings, one who plays regularly and one who doesn’t as de Ridder is struggling to control the ball and running around like a Jack Russell that keeps knocking the ball just that little bit too far in front of him.  On the other wing is Adam Lallana whose first action is to kill the ball stone dead and whilst working in no space, totally skin Chimbonda and set off down the wing.  Butters is looking a bit rusty at right back and it’s obvious that Beye has no idea of how to play against Sir Rickie who looks to be in bullying mood.

Donny are here to play though and a decent passing move in midfield sends Gillet away on the right and he negotiates the long grass which is over his head and fires in a decent cross which is met at the back post by Piquionne who reminds us all why he won the Ballon de Plomb (literal translation ‘the Ball of lead’) for being the worst player in the French League, by heading over wastefully.  At the other end, Steeeeve has managed to get his first run at Ilunga and beaten him, smashing over a low cross which Ikeme nearly fumbles into the net at his near post but regathers just in front of the incoming Billy Sharp.

Piquionne for all his clumsiness and previous awards, looks a decent player at times and none more so when he totally does Jos down our left wing and cuts along the byline.  His pass across to Diouf is accurate but luckily the shitbag takes a touch, allowing Jack Cork to chuck himself in front of the shot and deflect it wide for a corner.   Piquionne’s next contribution is no so great as he controls a ball forward from his centre half and with a wonderful cushioned touch, plays it straight back 30 yards to Sir Rickie who turns, plays a 1-2 with Billy before being crowded out by Beye.

Donny of course, have to have some players that they own and these have a tendency to be a bit shit.  One of them is Lockwood who when confronted with a flying Steeeeve just ignores the ball and tackles him like an American Football Safety (I think they call the block tacklers that).  It’s probably the tackle at SMS that was made the furthest away from the ball since the days of Paul Wotton.

The first half peters out without too much going on aside from Diouf having a horrible dive to win a free kick and Ilunga posturing about like he’s the hardest bloke in the world.  Maybe he is though so better not say too much.  Beye finds a way to play against Sir Rickie and rakes his studs down the back of his leg causing him to hit the deck for a few seconds.  Half time and not great so far and now the other scores – Reading are winning at home to Blackpool and The Fat Sam Total Football Academy are 2-0 down at Burnley… maybe 0-0 isn’t so bad after all.  Half time brings some Chuckle Brothers chat where the moronic unfunny one is looking down the list of names on the back of the programme and trying out his accidental-deliberate-unfunny-shut-up-you-twat spoonerisms.  He is delighted when he gets to Danny Fox and turns round and tells a whole load of people who are not in the least bit interested.  Back to the match and the impression I get is that the Donny defence isn’t that great and we just need a break of the ball and we’ll score.

Having said that, it’s not in the plan for Sir Rickie to only last 5 minutes after the restart before he hobbles off having failed to run off whatever it was.  I’m expecting Lee Barnard to come on in a straight swap but it’s reshuffle time as Chappers comes on with Steeeeeve going up front.   The immediately raised the prospect of Bald Psycho steaming into Ilunga and us finding out if he was as hard as he posed.

Chappers has immediately made a difference, adding urgency and generally making us play quicker.  When the goal comes however, it’s from a set piece as Foxy’s corner is headed home powerfully by Billy Sharp, all on his own about 6 yards out.  It’s a popular goal with the Saints fans going nuts and even a few of the Donny fans applauding when they realise who has scored.  I expect the ones who clapped were the fatalistic ones who had money on it.  It makes you wonder how Billy got a free header from 6 yards when he’s not the biggest – well, having seen the replay it appears that the worlds hardest footballer lost him.  The Moron Chuckle Brother is delighted that Danny Fox has contributed to the goal and tries to start a chant of the corner takers spoonerism name.  Yep, still not funny.

 It’s nearly 2-0 straight away as Chappers crosses a superb ball inbetween the defence and the keeper and Billy rises before pulling his best 50p head impression and putting it wide before punching the ground in annoyance.  I too am looking for something to punch but it would be a bit obvious if I turned round and lamped him.

There are 20 minutes to go and it’s time for Lee Barnard to reintroduce himself to the SMS faithful as he comes on to replace Steeeeve who after a shaky start has done pretty well today.  Donny have definitely lost the spring in the step that they had at the start of the game and it makes you realise that that is the problem with the Willie McKay system.  The players have no affinity for the club they’re at and a number of them really don’t give a shit as soon as it gets a bit difficult.  As he gets substituted I remember that Giles Barnes is playing in midfield for Donny, or rather Giles Barnes’ fat twin brother.  Maybe he ate the thin one.

It gets more difficult for them right now as a long ball forward by Jose sees Billy competing with Beye who makes a complete bollocks of it and presents Billy with a clear shot at goal which he runs round to get it on his right foot before smashing it past Ikeme to make it 2-0 and game over.   Despite not celebrating like a loon out of respect for the Donny fans who worshipped him, Billy manages to get booked for high fiving a young kid in the front row of the Chapel.  Referees really have got a pole up their arse sometimes.

With 15 to go Nigel obviously thinks we’ve done enough and Adam Lallana comes off to be replaced with Deano.  There’s only one more half chance as the game peters out with an Ikeme clearance hitting Billy and rebounding to Chappers whose first time chip drifted wide.  El Hadji Phlegm managed to get himself booked by making the universally understood sign for binoculars at the linesman who should have responded with the universally understood sign for masturbator.  Diouf is a good player and far too good to be playing for a team near the bottom of the Championship but he’s a bell end who does exactly what he wants to do and then he pulls out a couple of dives for good measure, one of which appears to cause Butters and Deano to laugh at him.

Full time and the 30,000 crowd rise in acclaim of another job well done.  It wasn’t spectacular but it was efficient and you have to remember, Donny have recently prevented both of our promotion rivals from beating them.  Talking of the rivals, well Reading beat Blackpool 3-1 and even though the Fat Sam Total Football Academy fought back to get a 2-2 draw, it’s still a very good day as we’re now 5 points ahead of Reading and 9 ahead of Fat Sam even though he has a game in hand.

There were some very good performances for us today with the standouts being Jack Cork and Chappers in midfield.  Though I was a bit puzzled by the substitution at the time, getting Chappers on the pitch was vital to breaking down the opposition today and it woke us up as a team and introduced some energy which had previously been lacking.  Ultimately though, today is all about Billy Sharp who took his two goals superbly to prove that he deserves to start and give him a superb end to what must have been a bit of a difficult weekend.  Oh yeah… and he also appears to think that Chimbonda is a twat.  To be fair, Donny played ok but there's no soul there.  Their fans are a decent bunch so I hope for their sake that they stay up and this 'experiment' is declared a failure and they build for a future with more solid foundations, building a side around the likes of Gillet and Coppinger and not the Billy big bollocks players who don't appear to really care.

Onto next week and we are at Blackpool for what on paper is the most difficult game we have left.  They are currently one place below the playoffs and I’m sure that Ian Holloway will have them up for it, especially after they lost to Reading today.  One would hope that Kevin Phillips is prepared for 90 minutes of songs about Vodafone Salesmen.  Next Saturday also sees West Ham entertain Reading which will be an interesting game for us and this will also be the only time this season you see ‘West Ham’ and ‘entertain’ in the same sentence. 

7 games left, 15 points needed

NPC Match 38 - Hull 0 Southampton 2

The Tigers Preparing the Pitch at the KC

Hull is a place I have never been to in my life but I’m sure it’s very nice.  Lets hope it’s nice and accommodating for us tonight and we go away with 3 points from what looks a pretty difficult game.  Hull are in the group of 6 or so teams who are hovering around the playoff positions which is something you wouldn’t have put money on when Nigel Pearson left to drop down the league to Leicester and Nick Barmby took over.  Barmby has achieved this by making Hull very difficult to score against and they have the most clean sheets to date in the division.  This however has been at the expense of scoring goals at the other end.  Consequently, with their strengths being in defence and ours in attack, I’m expecting a close game and if I’m honest, I’d take a draw. 

Oh yeah, the KC stadium is another sodding rugby ground which means that the pitch is shite like the one at Vicarage Road which (I repeat) should not be allowed.  As Hull is Rugby League and Saracens are Rugby Union, I wonder if that difference in code means that any one pitch is more or less shite than the other.  No scrums in League but you do have lots of players looking like they’re humping the turf when trying to get to their feet.

Since the Millwall match, the most significant thing I read about Saints came from Twitter with Academy boys Joe Curtis, Matt Young and Bevis Mugabi getting their first professional contracts at Saints.  Fantastic news for the lads in question and I hope they work incredibly hard to get the most out of themselves to make a living in the game and hopefully they make it all the way through to the first team.  They obviously all have talent and are at a great club to enable them to reach their potential – just don’t fuck up the chance you have boys.  Take it from someone who was never good enough and has spent the last 25 years working in an office... I would love to have played the game rather than writing bollocks about it.

Onto the bollocks…

Nigel has shuffled the pack a bit with Chappers dropping out altogether and Punch going straight back into the team on the right of midfield with the other change seeing Corky return in place of Deano who drops to the bench.  Robert Koren and Aaron McLean were Hull’s two standout performers at SMS earlier in the season when we scraped a 2-1 win in the middle of our dodgy December so I’m quite pleased to see McLean on the bench.

Saints start well and surprisingly it’s a very open game with Hull not getting to grips with us at all.  We get our first real sight of goal on 8 minutes as Guly drifts right and flights in a lovely cross for Sir Rickie to thump in a header which is saved by Mannone, the Hull keeper who they’ve borrowed from Arsenal.  Foxy is at it again a minute later following lovely build up play by Punch and Corky.  He crosses along the ground for Lallana to hammer in a shot which Mannone again deals with in rather unconvincing fashion.

We’re missing these chances (or rather the Arsenal keeper is saving them) and news comes through that Reading are winning 1-0 at Peterborough but then, at the third time of asking we take the lead.  Yet again, it was Foxy down the wing who set it up when he fastened onto Lallana’s cute reverse pass and crossed it on the ground in front of Mannone, to the lurking Sir Rickie.  Rather than let the big man have his 25^th league goal of the season, Hobbs decides to save him the bother and slides in to poke it into his own net.

We have a golden chance to make it 2-0 as Cork produces a superb ball and sends Lallana away and he’s clean through on Mannone who he goes round, leaving himself with an open goal – which he manages to miss as the ball bobbles off a rut in the bloody rugby pitch.  Rut or otherwise though, it’s a bad miss and Dave is sure that he didn’t want to do that.

Hull’s main threat is through right winger Josh King who is on loan from Manchester United and it’s he who comes closest when he hammers a shot onto the bar which Superkelv obviously knew wasn’t going in as he kind of waved it goodbye.  A small subplot develops as Danny Fox seems to decide that he doesn’t like King very much and there is a small threat of handbags coming out which comes to nothing.

King is being a pain though and it should be 1-1 on 35 minutes as he gets in a superb cross from the right and it’s perfect for the incoming Brady but he rivals Adam for miss of the match by ballooning it over the bar from 8 yards with hopefully the shite pitch causing it.  If the rugby posts had still be there from the weekend, it would have gone over those as well.  It’s just as well he missed because Merringtitus says we didn’t want to let one in before half time.  No shit Sherlock.

We reach half time without doing what we don’t want to do and it’s all going rather well as we’re winning, West Ham are 0-0 with the Smoggies and Reading have managed to turn a 1-0 lead into a 2-1 deficit, away to The Posh.  Good old Fergie Lite, always liked him.

Barmby brings Aaron McLean on at half time but the good news for us is that it’s Koren who goes off.  Within 5 minutes of the restart, Nigel brings on Steeeeeeve in place of Guly.  Maybe it was reacting to their substitution, maybe they couldn’t get the electronic board to work or maybe he just forgot to do it at half time.  Dave Merrington is confused.  He’s also unsure about the substitution as Guly has been playing well.  In Nigel we Trust Davie Boy.  However, de Ridder immediately justifies his manager’s faith in him by trashing the Hull left winger, giving a dangerous free kick away and getting booked.

Saints were back in the ascendency and looking like scoring again and duly did on the hour mark as a Punch free kick was headed away as far a Corky who headed it back over the full back to where Jose Fonte was playing at being a winger as he superbly cushioned the ball forward before sliding the ball across to where big Jos steamed in and smashed it into the net for 2-0.

Hull had a problem now as it meant that they had to score more than once to get anything out of the game and they don’t often do that.  Nigel decided that he was going to give them as little opportunity as possible by bringing Deano on for Punch and going for a wide 5 in midfield to help nullify the only threat Hull had, which was down the wings.

As Saints seemed content to soak it up, Hull crept forward as we reached the last 10 minutes and a big cross from the left found its way to King who smashed it at the near post with Superkelv being equal to it.   From the resulting corner, we clear it and Cairney fires in a rocket from 25 yards but that man Superkelv is in ‘they shalt not pass’ mode and tips it over.

Word comes down the wire that The Fat Sam Total Football Academy have gone 1-0 up (boooo) but Reading have gone 3-1 down (hooraaaaaay).  The game peters out and the KC Stadium empties out in the final few minutes as the stewards get ready to put the fucking rugby posts back up.

Dave Merrington surpassed himself as the game drew to a close with some quality Merringtitus when Big Jos buggered about with the ball instead of clearing it and got away with it when a forward got caught offside.  According to Dave, Jos was doing a ‘diddly-dee’ on the ball which predictably, was what we didn’t want.  I’ve seen the incident so I know that this particular entry in the Big Dave Lexicon of Bollockspeak means ‘to try a wanky little turn and generally piss about with the ball and lose possession’.

Full time and get in there - and it just gets better and better as the Smoggies have pinched a late equalizer at the Fat Sam Total Football Academy and Reading have been beaten for the first time in ages.  We are now 5 clear of Reading and 7 clear of West Ham who admittedly, have a game in hand.  I swear that if you type in “Porn” on Google tonight, it will come up with a picture of the top of the Championship.

Nigel was gushing in praise of our defence and keeping another clean sheet and he didn’t want to mention the pitch but he did say that the pitch was shite, or he may have said “lively”.  Nick Barmby just acknowledged that we were the best side in the league and fair play to him for that – no excuses and no bollocks.

For me, this is the result of the season and when you factor in the other results as well, it’s fantastic.  On paper, we had the most difficult game of the three and we’re the only ones to win. Individual players are stepping up and the squad rotation is working a treat with Corky being sharp today after his two games rest.  Talking of sharp… with the extra motivation for playing against his former club – Billy Sharp should start on Saturday.  A word of warning though in that on Saturday, we have (on paper) the easiest game of the three when Donny come to town whilst Fat Sam waddles up to Burnley and Reading entertain Blackpool. 

8 games left, 19 points needed, diddly-fucking-dee.

Diddly-fucking-dee

NPC Match 37 - Millwall 2 Southampton 3

Not a Penalty is it Moose?.... You Twat!!

Having been a Saints supporter for many years, I have developed a certain understanding of which games to be especially wary of.  It’s not the relegation 6 pointers or the games against the better sides that are the issue but the ones you ‘should’ win, you know the ones where you’re higher in the league and in good form and the opposition is not on the best of runs and are struggling.  With Saints, there is no such thing as a sure thing aside from that we will bollocks it up when we shouldn’t.  So, here we are at a game that on paper, we should win.  Against that is the fact that no one wins shit on paper and that Millwall knocked us out of the FA Cup and despite us rotating the squad a bit for that game, Millwall looked a decent side and showed that they could play. 

It has been a relatively quiet week for Saints with us basking in the glow of Sir Rickie being the best player in the Championship.  Reading played in midweek and were held to a draw at Doncaster which burned their game in hand and left them two points and a worse goal difference behind us.

Word had leaked out of the camp that both Tadanari Lee and David Connolly were struggling and so it was proved with Nigel’s team selection which saw Chappers come in on the right hand side with Guly going up front.  Billy Sharp again had to settle for a place on the bench where he was joined by Corky, Steeeeeeve and Aaron Martin.  Dan Harding took the spare place left by Connolly dropping out, which in my opinion would have been better filled by Bart.  On the subject of keepers, Millwall have Maik Taylor in goal who was a very good keeper for Saints for a year back in 1956.  He’s 74 now  but still getting a game and fair play to him.  The other major Millwall team news is that Liam Trotter is missing who was easily their best player in both games at SMS this season.  They do however have Andy Keogh up front who I believe is on loan from Wolves to partner Darius Henderson who is on loan from the World Wrestling Federation.

I know I’m in for a shocker in trying to keep in touch with his game as I’ve got a dog to walk, a choir practice to take one of my kids to and a trip to Wickham to go and collect some shit table and chairs that my wife has bought on ebay.  I would rather be at Millwall in a West Ham shirt…  I start the game, walking the dog with Dave Merrington.

Saints start well and are in control of things, passing it around, having good control of the football (Adkins Classic Quotes Number 432) but it takes 15 minutes to fashion the first chance as Sir Rickie works a 1-2 with Lallana before letting fly from 25 yards a seeing it smash onto the bar and back to where the grateful Taylor could grab it.  It was later shown that the 86 year old got a touch with his arthritic fingers so it was in fact, a superb save.

The goal appears to be coming though and it duly arrives in the 20^th minute as Foxy chips a pass down to wing to where Morgan has broken free.  He calmly slides it across the box to the awaiting Sir Rickie who momentarily scares the shit out of everyone by firing into the open goal via the underside of the bar.  I’m walking the dog listening to the radio while all this is going on and I then have to listen to Adam Blackmore basically saying that it was game over and “Saints never lose when in front” and “Millwall never come back” and all that.  Now I know that the ramblings of one plonker doesn’t have an effect on what goes on on the park so it’s not his fault that within five minutes we are 2-1 down.  It’s not his fault but he does look like a complete tool.

The tale of what happened starts with us still knocking it around nicely and Millwall being unable to  get anything going but they only need to do so the once and they score.  A decent ball gets played by Wright in between Big Jos and Foxy which sends Keogh away down the wing.  In an echo of the goal we conceded at home to Ipswich, he cuts in past Jos, Foxy slips and then he hits it at the near post.  It’s harsh to point a finger at Superkelv but it evades his dive, hits the post and pings across the goal onto the shins of Jose and ends up in the net.

Our organisation then goes to shit at a corner when Jose and Jos go for the same ball and it eventually falls to the unmarked Robinson who takes a touch and lashes it into the top of the net from the edge of the box.  Great strike but distinctly preventable.  So, 2-1 down and we are attempting to put the game out of sight with our shambolic marking at corners and Robinson gets on the end of the next flag kick to force Superkelv into a smart save at the post.  Get a grip!!!!

We manage only one decent effort for the remainder of the first half as Guly cuts in off the left wing and fires in a low effort to the back post but Taylor has enough time to park his Zimmer frame and push it away, milking the applause from the crowd and popping his artificial hip back in.  Not bad for a 92 year old.  Half time, 2-1 down and things not looking particularly good.

Steeeeeve is on for Chappers at half time – tactical or injury... who knows but he’s straight into the action and nearly scores after he’s picked out by a Sir Rickie nod down following a superb pass by Morgan.  The left footed volley is past Taylor who has dropped his dentures but headed off the line by Robinson who really shouldn’t have been there but Millwall must be glad that he was.

Dave Merrington is old school as we know and he obviously would rather all the players were called traditional names like Smith or Clark or anything English that he can recognize.  So, I have a few emotions when Hameur Bouazza (pronounced Ham-ur Boo-at-zah) goes thorough on the left and Superkelv makes a decent save with his feet.  Firstly I’m crapping it because it’s a clear chance, secondly I’m relieved because it’s not ended up in our net and thirdly I’m laughing as Dave sums up the action by referring to the Millwall player as “Hammer Boozer”.

Saints went to three up front in an effort to step things up with Billy Sharp coming on for Deano.  When you consider that two of the midfield three were now Adam Lallana and Steeeeeve, you appreciate how attacking this is.  We began to look threatening again with Sharp immediately looking lively.

Time is running out and psychology is beginning to play a part.  Saints have nothing to lose and without a home win in ages, Millwall’s collective sphincter is doubtless tightening up.  Sir Rickie feeds the ball out to Sharp who you expect to shoot but he plays it square back into the middle where Sir Rickie goes down.  Penalty.  You can’t tell what’s happened at first but the replays clearly prove that Robinson was lying on the ground, Sir Rickie tried to hurdle him to get to the ball and Robinson lifts his leg and trips him.  Guess what happened next... bang , 2-2, top right.  Sir Rickie runs to get the ball which tells everyone that we still want to win this... come on !!!!

And so it came to pass that we won a corner, Foxy swung it in, Big Jos went up with Dunne who flapped the ball away with his hand.  About 5 Saints players appeal for the handball and the ref gives it.  There is an element of confusion as the Millwall players protest because Jos had his arm up as well but the ref had got it spot on.  Sir Rickie versus Taylor Part 2..... bang, bottom right, same result, 3-2 to Saints.

There are 3 minutes to go and I’m back listening to the Plonker Show on Solent and it sounds like the Alamo in our penalty area.  Crosses come in, Sir Rickie is playing as an auxiliary centre back, more crosses come in, Guly heads them away (what!!!).  We manage to work the ball down the pitch and Corky smashes it as far as he can as the referee blows the whistle.  Seat of the pants stuff but we’ve won again.

The Millwall fans, being the benevolent sort, think that we’ll need a bit of cash if we go up to the Premier League and start a collection for us by throwing coins at our backroom staff, one of whom has to have a couple of stitches in a head wound.  I know it’s only a minority but they let down the club again and again and ensure that Millwall as a club will never lose the reputation they have been trying to lose for the past 20 odd years.  Kenny Jackett is not a happy man afterwards but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt as he’s not seen the replays as yet.  He seemed to be implying that we were fortunate to get the penalties in an away game.  Must have been a good referee then as he ignored the threat of getting coins thrown at his head and gave the correct decision both times.

Nigel was a picture of smug in his interview, empathising that both spot kicks were fair and that the manner of the victory is unimportant, it’s just getting the win and the three points.  He’s right of course with two teams breathing down our necks.  So what of our promotion rivals – well Reading completed a comfortable win at Barnsley by 4-0 and The Fat Sam Total Football Academy grabbed a decent point at Leeds having been 1-0 down with a minute to go.  So, West Ham are in 3^rd place and 5 points below us with a game in hand, nice.

One of the more irritating things with taking notice of West Ham is that total bell end, The Moose who is on talkSHITE.  He’s just wrong – every time he opens his mouth about Saints he just talks complete shit.  The last time was the Matt Taylor – Billy Sharp incident and he was all “shoved him in the chest, fellow pro, never a red card” until the pictures clearly showed him shoving him in the face.  This time he’s moaning about referees wanting us to go up by giving us loads of penalties.  Hmmmm, look at the two we got given today and then look at the two they got given at home to Forest recently.   His penalty related rant has though, seen a number of articles spring up on the internet about the number we have been given this year which is annoying.  The fact that we’ve been given 9 or 19 or 99 is not the issue - It’s only an issue of the decisions are wrong.  Today they weren’t but that won’t stop idiots like The Moose.

Next up is a very difficult looking game at Hull on Tuesday night.  We’ll be up for it though and if I had to guess, I reckon both Billy Sharp and Jack Cork will be in with a shout of playing.  As long as Sir Rickie’s playing to take the four or five penalties we’ll get given then who cares.

9 games left, 25 points needed

Final whistle, Millwall, Saturday

NPC Match 36 - Southampton 2 Barnsley 0

Dad... what do those squiggles mean ?

You would think that a fixture against Barnsley at home for a promotion chasing club should be 3 points and no question about it.  However, having had a look at the league table, I see that they are only one point behind the Ipswich side who we drew with on Tuesday.  I make no apology for tipping them to finish last this season which they quite clearly, will not do as it doesn’t look like they’re even going to flirt with the relegation places so well done to Keith Hill who masterminded Rochdale doing a league double over us last season. They were forced to sell their top scorer in January as well as Ricardo Vaz Te decided he fancied the challenge to trying to control passes that came down with snow on them and joined Fat Sam at West Ham.

Fat Sam was at his ‘fat gobshite’ best after his teams midweek draw with Watford, proclaiming that he wanted some chips and a pie but also that they’d have won the league already if they had Rickie Lambert.  Not only does this dig at us as we have not already won the league with Rickie Lambert but it also says that he thinks Carlton Cole, Nicky Maynard, Ricardo Vaz Te, John Carew, Sam Baldock, Freddie Piquionne, Franck Nouble and Freddie Sears aren’t good enough which is amusing considering he signed 4 of those players (I think) for about £10 million quid.  He has decided to loan a couple of these strikers out and so ironically (or deliberately), Nouble lines up for Barnsley against us today.  Another clear indication of why you shouldn’t be allowed to loan to clubs in the same division.  I hope we loan out Lee Barnard to someone who West Ham have still got to play.

Nearly every game at SMS is a father and son experience for me.  Usually I’m the son but today I’m the father as my 7 year old is in the house today and he will no doubt be applying FIFA 12 tactics all the way through the game and singing the ‘Rickie Lambert Southampton Goal Machine’ song whilst the rest of the Kingsland sit there in virtual silence.  He’d already caused my first moment of hilarity for the day by pointing at the sign being held by the Japanese Saints fans outside the megastore and asking me what those funny squiggles were.   Our wander round the megastore has resulted it a 1-0 win for me as we have left without purchasing another bloody foam hand, our dog having destroyed the last one.

To the team news and I was expecting Billy Sharp, Jack Cork and Chappers to all be playing but they weren’t and the team was the same as the Ipswich game except for Danny Fox coming back in for Dan Harding.  Again there was no keeper on the bench and Steve de Ridder kept his place with Chappers again mysteriously missing out altogether.

Barnsley keeper Luke Steele had a shocker last week and chipped a pass straight to a Middlesbrough forward who promptly returned it straight over his head to score.  I imagine that his manager had been saying “don’t worry about it” and “safety first” and “don’t do it again you prick” and all that stuff so I bet the same manager was doing his nut as Steele took ages to clear and was closed down by Chung, causing the kick to be sliced straight to Sir Rickie.  Unfortunately, this caught the big man by surprise and the chance was lost as he failed to control.

Saints were finding a lot of space and Barnsley didn’t appear keen to close us down too much as Chung’s pace was a worry to them.  The Man from Japan worked the next opening and really should have pulled the trigger rather than trying to play in Guly and so the chance was gone as someone got a foot in.  It was heart in mouth time straight after that as we coughed up another free header from a corner as we are prone to do.  Barnsley’s Foster rose unchallenged in a majestic fashion.  In his mind he probably envisaged thumping a header into the top corner but the reality was that he produced one of the most shite headers imaginable that would have gone for a throw in on the opposite side.

It has all gone a bit scrappy and the main problems appear to be in our midfield.  Guly has obviously been instructed not to play wide so if Hammond or Schneiderlin have the ball they are looking right and no one is there so they come back inside, we play a few passes amongst ourselves before playing it back for Superkelv to hoof it.  It’s not great but naturally, this is all Guly’s fault, especially in the mind of the Old Moany Bollox who is sitting just behind my son.  “Oh, Guleeeeeeeeee”, he opines as Frazer plays him a hospital pass which as I explain to my son, is a pass when the receiver has two blokes up his arse and it’s not the fault of the person receiving the pass if he loses it.  Could someone else please explain this to Old Moany Bollox because I reckon a 7 year old would get it quicker than he would.

We have a half chance as a Fox corner is headed over by Jose (who has scored as many goal as Jack Cork this season) and we have a bit of a scare as ex-Skate Cotterill (not the thick yokel ex-manager) cuts in off the left wing and curls a decent effort just wide of the far post.

35 minutes had gone and we were not looking threatening at all so it was a bit of a surprise (a pleasant one) when we took the lead out of nowhere as Frazer chipped in a dead straight ball from the centre circle, which Sir Rickie headed back to Lallana who took a touch before ramming the ball into the net for 1-0.  It is like a weight has been lifted and the remainder of the first half is dictated by us as we stroke the ball around – in control without ever looking entirely convincing.

Half time arrives with us 1-0 up and news starts filtering around the ground that West Ham and Reading are both winning and that Notts County are winning 4-0 at runaway League 1 leaders Charlton.  Why is this relevant?  Well, none other than Jonno Pace has scored a hat-trick for Notts County.  It’s one of those pieces of news that makes you think for a second and then you remember what he’s usually like.  Lee Holmes has also been doing well whilst on loan at League 2 Oxford which means bugger all in the context of being at the top of the Championship.

We start the second half and are looking a lot more composed and threatening and nearly go 2-0 up when Morgan decides to have a pop from 30 yards and forces a decent save out of Steele.  It doesn’t take long for us to break through again however as Chung beats one defender to the ball before setting off on a run down the left wing, skinning another defender in the process.  When he reaches the by-line, instead of panicking and lashing it anywhere, he waits and eventually rolls it back to present Lallana with an open goal which he doesn’t miss.  As Adam celebrates in front of the Northam, you can pick out the Japanese Saints who are going nuts and waving their banners about.  Excellent work.

From being a scratchy performance, it’s suddenly looking like we may win by 4 or 5 as we flood forward and win a free kick as Barnsley panic and decide they would be safer if Chung was on his face eating the grass, rather than running at them.  Just to the left of centre in perfect Sir Rickie territory but after the excitement builds he drills it straight into the wall.  It’s his last action of the day as he is replaced with Jack Cork.  On the one hand we’ve replaced our biggest goal threat with Corky Nogoals but on the other hand, he’s my sons favourite player so he will hopefully stop asking me when Jack is coming on.

The passing football is now in full flow and following some great work from us and shadow chasing from Barnsley, Adam was played in but scuffed his hat-trick chance for Steele to save comfortably.  Foxy then bursts down the left wing before firing over a peach of a cross towards Chung and as the Japanese Saints had a collective heart attack, he lunged and didn’t quite get a touch.  It’s his last contribution as he takes a standing ovation from the whole ground as he leaves to be replaced with David Connolly.

OK, own up – who bought a ticket in the Jack Cork lottery this week?  To be fair, Corky had made a massive difference when he came on, simply by passing the ball well and quickly and keeping things moving.  The unthinkable then happened when he got within 30 yards of the opponents goal and the little voice in his head said “have a shot”.  It’s like the little voice I get that says “have another beer” when I know that having a beer is what I want to do but I also deep down, know that it’s going to end badly.  Corky took aim and fired and the momentary excitement for those who had him to score at 250-1 was immediately dispelled as the ball flew nearer the corner flag then the goal.  Maybe next week.

As if to remind us that Barnsley were still here, Danny Rose climbed to plant a header onto the base of the post following a left wing free kick which was awarded when Jose needlessly trashed a forward who had the temerity to threaten our goal.  Back up the other end, Adam Lallana had two potential opportunities for his hat-trick, the first of which when he was hauled over in the area but the ref wasn’t interested.  Following that he saw a drive blocked and deflected for a corner and the ref didn’t see this one as a handball (which it looked like).  Nigel decided it wasn’t going to be a hat-trick day and replaced him with Billy Sharp.

As the game closes down, Big Jos has a rumble out of defence and when he gets to 40 yards out, just lashes it left footed, like a missile and on target.  Steele manages to parry out to Connolly who should have taken it first time but in attempting to dink it over Steele, allows him to get a block in and the chance had gone.  It would have put a gloss on the scoreline but no matter, 2-0 will do and the final whistle blows.  All the people that weren’t clapping after the Ipswich game are now all clapping and whilst I find this mildly annoying, I’m not letting it spoil the moment and another win is chalked off.

We were functional today and got the job done.  There were some decent performances but nothing outstanding but I did notice the positive effect that the return of Danny Fox had.  Not only do you get the set piece delivery but you also get a much more solid defence.  Deano was solid today but for me it was really noticeable how we improved when Jack Cork came on.  For me, the midfield has to be Adam, Jack, Morgan and Chappers but then I’d have Lucy Pinder up the front so what do I know.  Barnsley rolled up with a Plan A to try and pay and keep it tight but they had no Plan B when they went behind and the second half was as comfortable as you like for us.  At least they did try and play football but how many saved did Superkelv have to make ?  None.

Nigel gave one of his more baffling interviews after the game quoting literature on big players being more susceptible to injuries when it’s a hot day when asked why Sir Rickie had come off.  It’s pure Adkins gold and the kind of thing that seriously annoys supporters of other teams.  He refused to be drawn on points targets and again quoted literature on the perils of one getting ahead of oneself.  There was nice reaction from Barnsley as well with their assistant manager giving gushing praise about our pass and move football which was nice to hear particularly as we weren’t great today…

The flaw in West Ham’s plan to help out other teams who have to play us is of course that the player they lent out is about the 7^th choice of all the strikers that Fat Sam thinks aren’t good enough.  Fat Sam has this one right though as Nouble was complete shite.  Talking of our immediate promotion rivals – well Reading stuffed Leicester 3-1 and Fat Sam’s Total Football Academy could only manage a draw at home to Doncaster.  Meanwhile, West Ham… they’ve loaned in Stephen Henderson from the Skates until the end of the season, paying ‘a significant fee’ for the privilege.  Only the truly cynical would think that they’ve only done this to safeguard the 6 points they won off of the useless fuckers. 

As for Henderson, well – he gave it the large one about Saints fans at Fratton Park and also about being part of the ridiculous Pompey Wolfpack as they called themselves – so loyal.  Hmmmm, my arse – and talking of arses, he’s off to get splinters in his from the West Ham bench and not play any football for the rest of the season which will surely damage the decent chance he had to go to Euro 2012 with Ireland.  Anyone remember Kelvin Davis turning down a move to Premiership West Ham to stay with Saints in League 1 because he wanted to play?  To be fair to Henderson though, he probably had no choice whatsoever.

The Football League Award happened on Sunday night where both Sir Rickie and Adam Lallana were up for the Championship Player of the Year Award along with Peter Whittingham of Cardiff.  Much to my surprise, one of our boys won it with Sir Rickie carrying away the award which is totally deserved as he’s had a blinder of a season so far.  The comedy story of the evening though was in the ‘Family Care in the Community of the Year Award’ section and this was won by the Skates.   I anticipate crowds of 250,000 on Southsea common to celebrate a Family award to the club that probably forced some families to have to sell their houses and cars by not paying the small business that the family worked for.  If the club cared about families and their community – maybe they’d have been run in a fashion to ensure that there was a club for these people to support.

So, all in all a bloody good weekend, three points, clean sheet, Fat Sam drops two points and Sir Rickie gets a gong.  We have two away games up next with the first being a trip to Millwall on Saturday when we will hopefully avenge the FA Cup defeat at our place.  There are 10 games to go and lots of people are pondering how many points we’ll need to go up.  There are two possible answers to this question; ‘Thirty more points’ and ‘one more than Reading or West Ham’.

10 games to go, 30 points needed.

COYR

Sir Rickie: Best Player in the Championship (Official)

Skates: Care in the Community Award

NPC Match 35 - Southampton 1 Ipswich 1

Hey You!  Wanna be in a Film?

Lights, camera, ACTION!!! Here’s Paul Jewell, the King of Porn and his Ipswich team to play at SMS against the almighty SFC and much to everyone’s relief, there’s no sign of a nymphomaniac or a big bloke with a ponytail who has come to fix the washing machine so we can get on with the game without any distractions.  Ipswich have won 5 out of their last 6 so it should be a tough game but we are on a decent run ourselves of course and we are fresh from our spawny win at Leeds.

My usual journey of hell from Brighton for evening games has been avoided for today by working from home so I have actually managed to get into the ground in time for a pint before the game.  As I’m driving I’ll try one of those 3.8% Saints Ale things.  The first mouthful is one of those which makes you pull a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp but once that’s done, it slips down the hatch and happy days.  When we play the Skates we should make this the only drink they can buy in wobbly plastic pint pots emblazoned with the SFC badge on one side and a picture of Peter Storrie on the other.

To the team and Nigel has shuffled things somewhat with Punch and Chappers disappearing altogether and Corky being relegated to the bench.  Guly gets a start on the right wing after his masterclass of not a lot on Saturday. There’s a recall for Deano and a return from injury for Adam Lallana.  Harding comes in for the injured Fox at left back and there is a place on the bench for Steve de Ridder.  Nigel couldn’t decide who to start up front so he made Billy and Chung have a fight.  Chung came out with some king fu and Billy threw a pie at him which missed so Billy’s on the bench again.

Saints start well and look very dangerous when attacking with Chung and Adam Lallana looking very lively.  Adam was up against Carlos Edwards who is a converted right winger and he flew past him before firing in a superb left footed cross which Chung threw himself at but couldn’t reach.   We won a corner soon after and Hardings delivery was headed back and forth a few times before Sir Rickie headed just over as Ipswich panicked.

We were missing Danny Fox and his set piece delivery and consequently wasted a couple of corners including one of those infuriating ones when we play it short and then someone fucks it up and the ball doesn’t even get into the box.  I hope that’s the sort of thing that results in a club fine.

We have a large moment of excitement when Chung gets all Ninja with the keeper in a 50/50 and wins the ball but it unfortunately falls behind him and the keeper picks it up.  You know full well that if he’d gone on and scored that the ref would have given a free kick to the keeper.  Ipswich remind us that they are a threat as the huge Emmanuel-Thomas brushes off Harding and Lallana before lashing in a left footed effort which is saved low by Superkelv.  How dare you insult him with that kind of effort.

Lallana has the ball in the net soon after as he latched onto a Chung through ball but the flag was up early so no one got excited.  The Carrot Crunchers still felt the need to go ‘Ahhhhhhhhh’ though.  They should have been made to shut up a moment later though as Lallana was put through by Deano after good work by Chung and Sir Rickie but with just the keeper to beat, he shot first time and saw it blocked.  It’s easy to say in hindsight but with half the pitch to himself (dunno where the hell the right back was) he really should have taken a touch.

Morgan immediately gives him another chance with a sublime pass and Adam’s shot is this time deflected wide as he’s closed down.   From the resulting corner which Adam swings over, it land right on the head of the Gulyman about 6 yards out  - he has to score but no, he goes all 50p head and somehow heads it wide.  Shite.  We are nearly made to pay big time when Martin goes down the wing and crosses just in front of Michael Chopra who, for a man with a reputation for gambling, doesn’t gamble enough this time.

We try the throw in followed by direct shot routine again and this time Sir Rickie’s effort is saved comfortably at the near post by McCarthy.  Half time and 0-0 and we really should be ahead.  Leeds in reverse is playing on my mind.

Ipswich start the second half well having watched Paul Jewell strutting round the dressing room in his dressing gown and Chopra’s header looks like a certain goal until you remember that Superkelv is truly unbeatable and he opens the top drawer and pulls a reflex stop right out of it.

Saints are now playing in a stodgy fashion.  People are trying to pass it but too often there is no out ball as we appear to have gone to the diamond formation.  Lallana looks like he was trying too hard and Guly always seemed to be too far infield.  On one occasion, Deano had the ball and he had Frazer in the right back position and no one else to aim at so he had to turn back and go back for Superkelv to hoof it.

Guly was involved in a decent bit of play with a 1-2-1-2-1 with Sir Rickie which cut Ipswich open despite the fact that it looked completely accidental but at the vital moment, Guly lashed it wide.  Lallana had another shot deflected for a corner before Nigel decided he’s had enough of the no width plan and replaced the Brazilian with Steeeeeeve.

Our famous Belgian immediately got on the ball and signalled his intent to try something different.  The second time he got it he picked up a long crossfield pass from Morgan pass, got to near the bye line and pulled it back along the ground to where Sir Rickie steamed in and slammed it left footed into the net.  The relief to the players and the fans was somewhat noticeable as the celebrations went on.  1-0 to Nigel Adkins, 75 minutes gone.  Billy Sharp came on for Tadanari Lee as we attempted to put the game to bed and de Ridder set up another chance for Sir Rickie which this time he stabbed wide.

It looked like Nigel was content to hang on to what we had and he took Lallana off and replaced him with Cork.  Cork kind of went left and a message was passed out to de Ridder, I assume to the effect of putting him at the point of the diamond.  I couldn’t see why we were changing things but before I got it all sorted out in my head they fucking scored.  A punt over the top landed in the space behind Harding and Big Jos went over to cover.  He really should have got there first but Scotland was more determined.  Scotland turned and set off across the box, Morgan went to challenge and slipped over, Scotland lashed it and it flicked off of Harding who had half turned his back on it and flew past Superkelv….. BOLLOCKS!!!

The equalizer had the effect of deflating and demoralizing the team.  There was about 5 minutes left but all we managed in that time was Harding getting disorientated and trashing Chopra and picking up a yellow card.  It’s a bit harsh to book someone for not knowing where he is.  Full time and it felt like a defeat… but did it?

Ipswich were ok but nothing fantastic and I think if you look at the game as a whole then we should have won having created loads of chances in the first half and having been ahead with 10 minutes to go… we really should have closed it out.  The equalizing goal was preventable as Jos should never have allowed Scotland to get the ball in the first place.  Morgan falling on his arse and the deflection were a bit unlucky but the original ball forward should have been better dealt with.  He can’t score if it’s out the ground and bouncing down Brittania Road.  Nigel’s pissing about with the midfield was another factor today.  We were 1-0 up and Ipswich hadn’t been near our goal since Chopra’s header at the start of the second half so why change it?  He brought Cork on and instructions were coming across to Steeeeeve, I assume to get him to play at the point of the diamond and we were still disorganized when Ipswich scored.  It reminded me very much of the Harding for Fox substitution at Fratton Park when we were 1-0 up and the Skates hadn’t even been in our half for an hour.  

Ultimately though, we were like Leeds on Saturday in that we failed to take our chances in the first half with Adam Lallana having one of those games.  The stuff he does on the ball is incredible at times but he has that one weakness in my opinion which is that in some games his finishing lets him down.  One goal would probably have brought another and then it’s a comfortable evening.  Never mind, onwards and upwards.  The pragmatist in me says that I would have settled for 4 points from Leeds away and Ipswich at home though and so we move onto the Barnsley home match on Saturday when we really have to win.  The Skates unsurprisingly did us no favours and lost at Reading so they are now just 3 points behind us with a game in hand.  The silver lining is that we are still top and the Skates have now finally made it to the bottom so I'll repeat my pre-emptive gag from a couple weeks back.  It's proof positive that shit does in fact, sink.  Hurrah!

Highlights of this match from a Saints perspective will appear on Saints Player, 24 hours after the match.  Highlights from a Paul Jewell perspective will appear on Pornhub.

UPDATE: Wednesday result.... West Ham 1 Watford 1 - still top...hurrah!

NPC Match 34 - Leeds 0 Southampton 1

Sorry Colin, You Can't Come In !!!

Off to Leeds for another one of these bloody annoying 5.20 kick offs so the watching Sky audience can get their fix.  Does the average Sky punter give a shit about the Championship?  I wonder what the viewing figures are for this slot as opposed to the Sunday 4pm slot.  I could probably look that up but I can’t be arsed.  So, to Leeds and their new manager Neil Warnock.  This would have been a difficult game anyway but in my opinion, it’s more difficult now.  Like him or loath him (I mainly favour the latter), he is a decent manager at this level and his teams are never easy to beat.  This team of his will be trying to impress the new manager as well.

My mate the moronic Chuckle Brother at St Mary’s, with his penchant for spoonerisms would no doubt call him Wheel Nornock or something as equally devastatingly funny but there is  only corruption for Warnock’s which is worth the time of day name is of course an anagram which he picked up many years ago at Plymouth I believe.... Colin Wanker.  Colin has come out in the pre-match interviews and said lots of nice things about Saints and the way we play which on the face of it is nice but it doesn’t make him any more likeable.

A question mark for us is whether Adam Lallana will have recovered from the groin injury he picked up last week courtesy of the pitch at Sacacens Rugby Club.  He’s a doubt but the word is that Sir Rickie is fine and will be in the starting XI today.  It’s been a quiet week with a load of international friendlies with Tadanari Lee’s 20 minute appearance for Japan being our only involvement.  The Skates have had a quiet week as well... quiet on new owners, quiet on clubs wanting to take Kanu and Ben Haim on loan and quiet as the tumbleweeds blow around the PFC bank account. I don’t care what anyone says though – all this bleating about not being able to finish the season is just a line to try and get the League to cut them some slack.  Their situation in dire but they’ll finish the season regardless and it’ll be up to us to beat them at SMS when the time comes.

The perceived wisdom before the game was that Tadanari Lee wouldn’t play as he’d been racking up air miles going to play for Japan during the week.  He started the game though and the only change elsewhere was Punch coming in for Adam Lallana who didn’t quite make it.  Dan Harding took Punch’s regular place on the bench and Guly was preferred to David Connolly on the bench, having got over his bout of whatever it is that means you can’t play when it’s cold.  Colin had stamped his mark on Leeds team selection, recalling non-footballer Michael Brown who is a horrible player but we shouldn’t worry too much because he has no discernable footballing ability.  Up front they have Luciano Becchio who is a bit theatrical but he can be a right handful when he fancies it.

I am parked in front of the computer with my “Say no to Sky” internet stream and away we go.  Colin obviously had his team right up for it as they’re all over us from the first whistle, being aided by our failure to keep the ball.   We have a major scare on 4 minutes as Snodgrass skins both Richardson and Bald Psycho and his cross hits Fonte who happened to have his hands up high as he was making sure his hair was in the right place.  Looks like a penalty, smells like a penalty, ref gives a corner and no Leeds players really complained, unlike Colin who is going forehead-vein-popping mental.  We’re lucky to get away with that one.

Becchio is having one of those games where he is putting in some effort and he’s a right awkward bastard, giving Jose and Jos no peace at all.  Morgan is trying to stem the tide in midfield but he’s not being helped by Chappers, Corky and Punch who all get on the ball before doing the hot potato and giving it away again. It’s pretty poor stuff and then out of nowhere, we score.  Neat play by Chappers and Frazer sends Corky away on the right and his cross into the box is headed back by Chung.  Sir Rickie has pulled away from O’Dea and absolutely smashes a volley past Lonergan and it’s a tribute to whoever made the nets that they didn’t break.

After that brief respite, we’re back to total Leeds domination with McCormack firing one in on the volley from the edge of the box.  It’s one of those where he hits it well and you’re just waiting for the net to bulge but thankfully it’s just wide.  McCormack is being a major pain a few minutes later as well as he finds space behind Fox and whips in a cross which Becchio throws himself at but Superkelv is up to the task and grabs it on the line.  Roll up, roll up for another go as Snodgrass again torments the right hand side of our team and curls one just wide of the far post.  The most remarkable thing about this is that it virtually went over the right foot of the totally left footed White at the back post but he didn’t seem to make an effort at it. It’s your right foot mate, it’s on the end of your right leg!  Totally one footed footballers are one of my pet hates but it’s always nice when the opposition have one.

The cameras on the internet stream I’m watching seem to be showing two things, Leeds bombarding our goal and Colin ranting at anyone who is near.  4th officials are a relatively new thing so I wonder who Colin ranted at before 4th officials were invented.  Sit down Colin, you knob.

Miraculously we’ve got to half time with our lead intact but Nigel is obviously not happy with things and makes two changes with Deano coming on for Punch (who has been anonymous to be fair) and more surprisingly, Guly coming on for Chung which is odd because in my opinion, this is exactly the kind of game in which Guly won’t do anything.

The changes and the half time team-talk mean that for the first 15 seconds of the 2nd half we are fine and then Snodgrass is down the wing again and crossing for Becchio to fire over the bar.  I’m sensing it’s going to be 45 minutes of carnage and not in a good way.  The decent football that Leeds are playing is all too much for Michael Brown who needs to get involved as he’s not contributing anything to the actual football that Leeds are playing.  He has an opportunity to leave a mark on Jack Cork so of course he takes it.  He’s quite good as it because he hasn’t elbowed him but kind of shoulder barged him in the head.  I hate to admit it but it’s kind of clever. Not so clever is Paul Connolly who trashes Chappers standing leg after he’s passed the ball.  Dirty Leeds are back.

We are forced into making our third sub a lot earlier than we would have wanted to as Fox hobbles off with a groin problem and is replaced with Harding who immediately is called up to defend in the air and does his usual and turns his back as he gets brushed off.  Leeds bring on ex-Skate Danny Webber for the ex-Skate non-footballer and this makes them even more attack minded as well as giving them 11 players who know what to do when they have the ball.

Superkelv for once causes his own problems as he comes for a high ball and clatters into Jos.  The ball loops up to Becchio who attempts to slide it into the empty net but Superkelv is back to block it before clawing away the rebound before Becchio can shoot again.  Before anyone can draw breath, Becchio creates a chance for Webber which the Skate fires straight at Superkelv who throws up a hand and tips it over the bar.

We manage at this point to get the ball up the other end of the pitch but all this means is that Leeds can start their attacks from deeper as a big welly up the pitch by Lonergan is allowed to bounce and Webber gets another shot in which Superkelv saves low to his left.  We then have an effort which is worth mentioning as Sir Rickie picks up a throw in and just lashes in a shot which is deflected for a corner.

I’m getting the feeling that it will be a 94th minute equalizer but it nearly comes earlier as a Becchio flick across falls in between Superkelv and Frazer who is facing his own goal with a decision to make.  Either a) hoof it for a corner, b) hoof it in our own net or c) try some wanky back heel and miss the ball.  He chose c) of course and in the resulting melee, Webber managed to scoop the ball wide as we all piled in.

As Leeds begin to tire we get some more time on the ball and actually create another chance as Sir Rickie curls in a shot from the left of the box which Lonergan shovels wide for a corner.  The corner is headed goalwards by Guly to Sir Rickie who tries to tee up the Brazilian before it’s hacked clear by one of Colin’s defenders.

Then came the moment that defines the game when there was a ridiculous bundle in our penalty area in which both Becchio and O’Dea hit the bar with headers and Saints had all 11 players in the six yard box trying to block the ball which squirted out to Lees about 10 yards out but his effort was blocked by Big Jos.  Together as one… bloody right.

Saints mounted one last attack as a time wasting exercise and Chappers and Sir Rickie worked an opening which Chappers smashed wide and as far away from the pitch as possible.  Goal kick, final whistle!!! What a win!

All the players mobbed Superkelv and the TV quite clearly picked up Colin saying “Don’t know how you fucking won that” as he went to shake Nigel’s hand.  The cameras had gone and missed Nigel’s reply which was “we scored and you didn’t and we are together as one and on the bus which we parked in front of our goal”.  Seriously though, to paraphrase Colin, how the fuck did we win that?  If I was a Leeds fan, I’d be a Northern Bastard but I’d also be completely gutted.  Leeds played really well but they came up against a goalkeeper who was inspired and a defence which creaked but just wouldn’t give way.  They were also guilty of course of giving the keeper a chance to save shots that he really shouldn’t have got near with virtually all the Leeds attacking players being guilty of not being clinical at one time or another.  For us it was a triumph of substance over style as we never got going at all but teams that do well need a combination of things, effective football, commitment and sometimes – being lucky bastards.

The theme of the day appears to be ‘robbery’.  Leeds were robbed by us which is retribution for Ken Bates ticket prices of £36 for away supporters.  Serves you right Dick Turpin.  As I said earlier, I watched the game on an internet stream on my computer.  This is better than nothing of course but the definition is not good enough to watch it on fullscreen and even on the small screen, the camera switching from close up to long range causes the screen to pixellate for a few seconds and make your eyes go funny.  Could the people who illegally provide this service please sort it out as I have a headache.

Superkelv was man of the match by a landslide and deservedly so – he had the game of his life today and any of Antii Niemi, Tim Flowers or even the great Shilts would have been proud of that display.  Winning is really all that matters but we were poor today and we’ll be unlikely to get away with a performance like that again for the rest of the season.  Leeds were decent though and will maybe take points off our promotion rivals as the season goes on.  The top of table at the moment makes it look like a 3 horse race for the 2 automatic promotion slots between ourselves, West Ham and Reading (who both had decent away wins today).  Leeds have to play both these teams.

Next up is a home game and I have no need for lo-res internet streams as we are at SMS playing Ipswich and the King of Porn Paul Jewell who as you know, always shoots his films in high definition wide screen.    In my mind, Ipswich are a bit similar to Leicester in that they have the squad to be near the top of the league but have underperformed and we all know what Leicester did to us as SMS earlier in the season.   However, we’re in a much better shape now than we were then and we’ve learnt how to defend a lead with our revolutionary new 11-0-0 formation.  Try that on FIFA 12.

Bring it on….

Lets all laugh at Colin !!!!